Parenting: Trusting My Gut

{How high is too high? How much freedom is too much?}

I recently read a post from the lovely Megan from Writing Out Loud about Parenting Against Instinct (which I loved). In the post, Megan talks about how she often holds herself back when her daughter, for example, is climbing the ladder to a slide. This is something I often do also, but I may not call it parenting against my instinct (or I’ll use the words gut and intuition which I think in this instance, are interchangeable). The longer I parent, the more I trust my gut. What I have to hold back is my own insecurities and anxieties and external pressures on how I should parent.

What is Intuition?

When it comes to instinct or intuition, I think an automatic sense of knowing what to do is assumed, and this is  especially applied to new mothers. When I first became a mother, I found very little of it natural.  In fact I found the transition to motherhood difficult.

I believe trusting my gut (or instinct, or intuition), is something very different. I believe women particularly have an ability to accumulate vast amount of conscious and sub-conscious information over time and make sense of it to get a feeling for things, even though the exact reason for the feeling can’t necessarily be traced.

Trusting my gut comes down to this: I know myself, I know my children and I know my family’s situation better than anyone, plus I’ve invested much time and energy into my family so I can fall back on my intuition to help me make good decisions for those in my care. It’s not guess work or magic, it’s applied knowledge.

An Example

Just recently, I arranged for my daughter to visit her Aunty’s home for a sleepover. She was a little unwell but my sister was happy to have her (and I trust my sister completely; she’s like a second mum really). My daughter REALLY, REALLY wanted to go to her Aunty’s house, and there was a potential that she would be fine. It was hard to tell my daughter that I decided that she couldn’t go. She was absolutely devastated.  As it turned out, that night she deteriorated and was very ill.  In the past, I would have probably would have spent a lot of time trying to work out if I was being over protective, and being influenced by my daughter’s desperate pleas. But I felt very clear in my decision because I had the feeling. My daughter got over her disapointment and we arranged for another time for her to have a sleep-over.  In this instance, I made the right choice.

Another Example

I often plan to do things on my own with the children because my husband often is working, even on weekends. On this day, I decided to go on a short bush walk with the kids. When I got to the destination (I hadn’t visited before) and I felt it wasn’t safe for me to go with all the children on my own. I don’t know why, because I could only see the start of the trail.  I probably should have researched it better myself but it was a new area and I was trying to scope out where great walks were. Sure the kids were disappointed but we still had a nice drive and stopped at a park instead. Later, my husband came with us and we enjoyed the walk but there were many parts we had to hold the younger children’s hands and so I’m glad I didn’t go on my own.

{Bush-walking}

What is Insecurity?

I often have to hold myself back when I parent but it’s my own insecurities and anxieties, and also external pressure on how I should parent that I fight, not my intuition. I’m quite an anxious person so it’s something I’m aware of.

An example

There are many times when I become reactive when I parent depending on whom I’m around and what their expectations are.  I’m not proud of this. Sure, I learn from other parents in a positive way, but I also am influenced in a negative way. What is right for one family may not be right for me and my family. I often worry about being judged for my decisions but at the end of the day, I have learned (or am learning) to stay true to how I believe I should parent.

Another example

We recently spent a day 4-wheel-driving at Double Island Point.  We found a spot on the beach to swim and set up a makeshift camp. There are always cars driving past on the beach so we needed to watch the children carefully, but I was an over-anxious mess. In fact, I was so anxious, I ended up sitting on the beach constantly ordering my husband to watch the kids because I convinenced myself they were going to be run over. HA! When I’m really anxious, I often freeze and become reactive and this is a perfect example of this. I didn’t have a nice day, and I really didn’t facilitate giving the children a good day either. Fortunately, they had fun anyway…but my husband had to deal with a deranged wife for the day! This wasn’t  intuition, it was anxiety. If I would have gone with my gut, I would have fought off the I’m-frozen-must-control-everything-around-me feeling and just got into the day by spending it playing close with the kids so I could ensure they were safe because the danger was real. Lesson learned.

{Soldier Crabs at Double Island Point}

How I know the difference

It sounds a little strange but I’ve come to know the difference between my intuition talking, and my insecurities talking.  My intuition speaks in a deep calm and decisive voice, and my insecurities are jittery and unsettling. My insecurities are about me and what I feel, and my intuition is applying what I know (even though I don’t always know why I know) into caring for my family.

When I get it wrong

I still get it wrong…just like that day at Double Island Point. However, getting it wrong is one step to getting it right next time. It’s just another exercise in wise parenting.

Of course, intuition isn’t the only factor to consider when parenting. For example, my children enjoy a variety of play experience with sticks but in a busy playground, and out of respect for others who may think differently, I ask my children to refrain from playing with sticks at certain times. Then there’s my faith, what I know of my children’s physical and emotional abilities and many other situational reasons that affect the way I parent and help me make good decisions in the moment. So, as well as these other factors, I often trust my gut to help me make good decisions because it’s not just a feeling, it’s knowledge.

Other Relevant Posts

 

Playing With Your Kids (a confession)

Sacrifices