The Anxious Child: Red Brain, Green Brain

One of the things that came up with a few of my kids is anxiety. It’s a horrible, horrible thing. There is one conversation that helped me incredibly and I’ll share the outcome of it here in case anyone needs a starting point (this was the starting point for me).  A Developmental Specialist Paediatrician changed my mindset about tacking anxiety with my kids and it went a little like this:

DSP: Developmental Specialist Paediatrician            M: Me

DSP: Intelligent parents often attack problems in an intelligent logical way.  So if a child is anxious and stressed about an issue, you immediately attack the problem with gusto.

M: Sounds familiar.

DSP: Although problems need to be addressed, when a child is anxious or upset, the world around them seems bleak.  Issues that usually may not bother the child seem larger than life when they are agitated.

M: {light bulb moment}

DSP: At the first point of call, forget the issue.  Focus on the emotions first.  Once the emotion has been dealt with, and the child is in a calmer state, then talk about the issue.  This may be the next hour or the next day.

Red Brain / Green Brain

This conversation leads me to the Red Brain, Green Brain scenario.  Visually it looks like this:

Red Brain, Green Brain, is an easy way to explain anxiety to a child. When the child is anxious, it’s like their brain is red and everything they see is red: grim, sad, bad.  In a post by Planning with Kids, the author cited Louise Porter in relation when a child has lost control over their emotions.

“When someone is drowning that is not the time to give swimming lessons.” (You just go and save them!!)

On the other hand, when the child is calm and happy (aka Green Brain), their mind is clear and they are able to make decisions with clarity of thought.

Tool Box

Once this change of mindset was established, it’s important to create a skill set for regulation to deal with anxiety.  I call it a toolbox, and over the years — through ages and stages — we filled the ‘toolbox’ with different options depending on the child and what works. There might be a different one for school and one for home (because school is a little more restrictive in what you can do).  The idea is to empower the child to use items in the toolbox to combat anxiety (and get back to green brain).  Below is an example of a tool box one of my kids came up with.

Putting it together

This is how used to attack anxiety with my kids.

I remember with one of my daughters, when she was overcome with anxiety, she would spill out issues from a second ago to a year ago, many of which were so trivial, it’s a wonder she even remembered them. Then, I tried to help her work it through it all.  It was an exhausting exercise, usually ending up with her in hysterics and me pulling my hair out.

Scenario 2

I’ve learnt to address anxiety this way:

Obviously, the pretty picture above is the blueprint of how I try approach things.  In reality, it’s often difficult for my kids to let go of anxiety; however, acknowledging how they feel, holding them close and telling them how sorry I am that they are experiencing such a yucky feeling has proven to be edifying for both parties. We focus our energies, not on the problems, but on getting the kids back to a place where their mind is comfortable and we then talk about the issue (if it’s still an issue) when they are feeling better.

I too, suffer from anxiety, and when I think about it, I’ve developed strategies to manage from having a cup of tea to talking about it with someone I trust.

I’ve been using this process to help my children through anxiety now for over five years now, and by doing so, giving them life skills to take through the teen years and beyond. It’s about self awareness, acknowledgement and choosing tools proactively to combat anxiety.

On a very small scale

If you have a toddler, give this a go! When my children were young (2-5 years) are upset, instead of asking “What’s wrong?” I say “Do you feel sad?”   90% of the time my child calms down right away.  Then, when they are in a better place in themselves, I may ask “What happened?” or “Why are you sad?”

What the experts have to say

A Monster Problem: Children and Anxiety

The Child Developmental Network: Anxiety

Raising Children Network: Anxiety and Fears 

Focus on the Family: Childhood fears

Happy Child: How to Help Your Anxious Child

Note: I’m sharing personally, a snippet of what I’ve learnt in my journey of mothering children with special needs and anxiety.  If you are worried about your child, visit your Doctor.