A friend dropped over. I knew this friend wouldn’t care about the state of my house but I heard myself say, “Sorry the house is in a mess.”
I hear the same phrase when I visit friends in their homes. Why do we do it? Why do we apologise?
Personally, I feel embarrassed when my house is messy — which is often. I worry people will think I’m lazy or am running some sort of zoo (it certainly feels like it at times!). I also want people to feel comfortable in my home. (Excuse me while I wipe the weetbix off your chair). You see, I have great plans for neatness, but in reality, I can’t sustain it.
When I do manage to have the house clean and tidy, I decide things will change. I WILL STAY ON TOP OF IT! But I don’t. Why? Because it rains. And I can’t get the washing dry. Because my children get sick. And in a moment my children can make the mess in the picture when they play wonderful games around the house. Because I’m out of the house four days in a row. And I get weary. Because I’m a taxi. And my daughter forgot to take her lunch to school. Because my husband leaves his shoes and socks in various places around the house. And — why, why, why — would someonetell me why the floor next to the washing basket is closer than the basket itself?
I wish I was a better housewife — I really do — but I do my best. Sometimes my best is fairly passable. Sometimes my best a I-managed-to-shower day. So be it.
On the flip side, I never want others to feel embarrassed about their homes. So, when I hear the words “sorry the house is a mess” I say, “Don’t you dare apologise. I couldn’t care a less.” It’s probably time I take my own advice and stop apologising.
I want a nice neat home — you know — like the magazines with glorious storage and no dust. Come on Kelly, is that what you really want? Ah — yes. Yes I do. However, this is what I’m thinking about: My children have clothes and love; my family has food and shelter; my husband has comfort and support; my friends can come to my home and not feel stressed about spilt milk. These things have to be better than a neat home — right?
52 Comments
Rebecca
October 20, 2010 at 10:23 pmSo true Kell!!! I say it alot too! And i’ll probably say it tomorrow when I have the lovely Kim from Melting away come over!! LOL
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
October 21, 2010 at 6:57 pmHA! Apologising for a messy house: Australia says no!
Christie - Childhood 101
October 20, 2010 at 10:38 pmRight.
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
October 21, 2010 at 6:57 pmGood 🙂
Lisa Abejja
October 20, 2010 at 11:14 pmI love your posts. You are real and don’t pretend. It’s so refreshing. I will definitely be following you !
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
October 21, 2010 at 6:58 pmThank you Lisa! I’m so glad to have you here.
Meeya
October 20, 2010 at 11:56 pmLove it Kell! And love you & your honesty! We are so similar haha! I often say to myself – “If I had to die right now, I would rather leave behind 3 baskets of unfolded washing than not have created memories with my beautiful children” Which can be substituted for anything really! “I’d rather die & leave weetbix all over my chairs…”
I no longer apologise anymore. It’s taken a while though! 1, because my friends know me and come over for company, not to analyse my home and 2, because by not apologising, it comforts them to know that I will love being in their home regardless of the state of it also! The things you pick on in your home, they’re going to think you notice in theirs. Oh even, I had someone apologise for her boy’s crinkled clothes! I said, “Are you serious? I had not even noticed! I rarely ever iron my kids clothes!” Then I got to thinking, “Is she looking at my 3’s clothes everytime and thinking they’re poorly dressed because I don’t iron??!” So yes, same goes for our homes I think.
Great topic to bring to the table 🙂
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
October 21, 2010 at 7:00 pmSo true! I’ve really been working hard on not apologising but just sometimes I just CAN’T help it lol.
Lucy
October 21, 2010 at 4:00 amKelly, this is lovely.
It has taken me years to “let go” and just relax and let the house “be”.
It has also taken me years to let go of some people – the ones I would frantically clean for (and feel judged by) are now very very infrequent visitors to my world – the people who come to my home now are the ones that cheerfully peg out washing for me as I play with their kids. We revel in the mess together.
xx
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
October 21, 2010 at 7:02 pmI know exactly what you mea Lucy. And YES! Let’s revel in the mess together!
Nicole
October 21, 2010 at 4:02 amWelcome. Today my house is lived in. It’s the look I’m going for. I hope it catches on.
Now I wish I could say that.
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
October 21, 2010 at 7:03 pm*Like*
Robyn
October 21, 2010 at 4:58 amSo true!
Kathryn Rodda
October 21, 2010 at 5:58 amOh Kelly, we are so alike! My house is usually messy with cars, duplo, trains sets, dinosaurs and such all over the floor, along with pillows, shoes, discarded clothes etc. I aim to be neater, but I would rather play with my kids (and sew) than tidy the house. I do try to get them to help me tidy up when we do a big clean up, and they love it. My husband is a neat freak, but has learnt to live with me. He occassionally gets in his ‘cleaning mode’ and can block out screaming, hungry children and any other noise. I think my mess is ‘clean mess’ meaning that it’s not rubbish and stuff, it’s toys and things that get put on the sideboard or bench rather than in the right spot straight away. But my children are happy and healthy and enjoy life. Thank you for a wonderful, true post 🙂 Now, I really should tidy the house today 😉
Kelly B
October 21, 2010 at 7:13 pmHA! I used to be a neat-er freak and my husband the messy one. Now we’ve sort of both met half way. I’m more relaxed and he’s more ordered. That’s what’s it’s all about.
Robyn
October 21, 2010 at 6:41 amI’ve come back to this one because its currently such a big issue for me. I know I’m naturally messy (although like Kathryn its “clean mess”) and that this is going to be a messy stage of life and I think I could live with that BUT a lot of my friends somehow seem to manage to have happy kids, immaculate homes and still do things like scrapbooking! I genuinely don’t know how they do it….is there some big organisational secret that I’m missing out on? And why is it that its the friends with immaculate homes who always drop in without phoning first and ALWAYS when the mess in my home is at its worst! Aaarrrgggh!
Kelly B
October 21, 2010 at 7:22 pmRobyn, I wonder this too. What am I doing wrong? WHY? WHY? Why can’t I seem to keep on top of the house like other mums? I was thinking about you when I wrote this post. Not because I remember your house being messy but because you had a profound affect on me. I remembered when I first visited your house (8 years ago or so) and A. spilt a drink. If you were stressed, you didn’t show it but made me feel really comfortable. I remember thinking, “I want to be relaxed and warm like Robyn.”
I remember you being so patient with your own girls as they learnt how to do things like drink from a cup etc. When I was feeling much like a control freak I learnt off you.
That’s what I remember about you Robyn. Nothing about your home but your capacity to love, be patient and your giving spirit. You are just so beautiful and you taught me so much for the time we lived close. Know that. xx
Robyn
October 26, 2010 at 3:17 pm@Kelly B, Really??! I’m a little floored but very touched. Thanks Kelly, thats a lovely thing to say and I’d much rather you remembered something like that than if my house was tidy!! 🙂
Meegan
October 21, 2010 at 8:15 amKelly! You are so ‘on the money’ with this one!!!
Welcome to my world 🙂
The dust can stay – it just comes back in a few hours anyway, the toys sometimes get put back where they should be, most of the time the kids beds are made (but not mine- too busy for that!) and the washing and folding and putting away is a never ending snake that starts at one end of my house and ends at the other!
As long as my kitchen and bathrooms are clean, I’m all hunky dory. I don’t care about the rest so much, anymore. I used to. But I have had to face the reality of three small children… They are my reason (excuse!!!!) for our house being the way it is… for now!
I’m sure it gets easier/better/simpler when they get older… Doesn’t it???? 🙂
xo
Kelly B
October 21, 2010 at 7:25 pmI try and have my kitchen clean and toyless… try. The rest I just do what I can too. And that’s a good question: does it get better when they are older?
BookChook
October 21, 2010 at 8:48 amI love what Lucy said – let’s all revel in the mess together!
I never mind other people’s stuff, but sometimes I feel guilty about the dust bunnies proliferating at my own place. I recognize how corrosive and useless guilt is, but alas, I still put myself through it. I think we learn these sort of messages when we are young and it’s very hard to break the patterns. Congratulations to all those who have. Me, I’m still tryin’!
Kelly B
October 21, 2010 at 7:27 pmVery hard to break the patterns. You see, when I said it this time I had an argument internally. You HAVE to say it. But I shouldn’t say it. But you WANT to say it. Just say it! I said it.
Marcia
October 21, 2010 at 9:24 amGreat blog post kelly!
I was just looking around my home thinking….
What exactly happened here two days ago it was spotless!
Then I remembered I had been so busy with errands, helping with homework and baking I just hadn’t had time.
So I’m going to put the kettle on and ponder if it really is as bad as I’m telling myself it is!
Kelly B
October 21, 2010 at 7:28 pmMake me a cuppa too! I’ll join you 😀
It really is amazing how a house can go from spotless to “it looks like a cyclone has it”
erin
October 21, 2010 at 9:27 amPeople who live in picture perfect homes and have children makes me feel sad. No fun to be seen or love shared displayed, its all about the “make up”.
There is nothing better than a home that looks lived in, enjoyed and where the love shines through. Other wise, its just a house isn’t it?
But yes I am guilty of saying please excuse my mess but am often asked, ‘what mess’? Don’t worry you should see my place. I never go visiting and judge a mummies ‘messy home’ there is a difference between messy and dirty, messy = fun and love to me and who needs to appologise for that?
Thanks for another great one Kelly. I loved reading this.
Kelly B
October 21, 2010 at 7:30 pmLove that Erin: I never go visiting and judge another’s messy home. I go to visit and you know what? I’ll help you hang out the washing.
Emily
October 21, 2010 at 11:02 amI LOVE this post. Thanks Kell, my house looks identical today. And most other days. (despite my secret wish to have a house that looks like Bree’s does from Desperate Housewives)
Kelly B
October 21, 2010 at 7:31 pmHA! Nice to know I’m not alone.
Ella
October 21, 2010 at 1:37 pmLove this post too! Im sitting here at my computer looking at my messy lounge & dining room! I too used apologize for the state of my house but its unrealistic to have kids and a tidy home all of the time. A good friend of mine said to me when i had my last baby that its impossible without help to have everything perfect. As long as my house is hygenic i dont get too stressed about it all. Having said that we have just listed our house for sale so until it gets sold i have to be on the ball a bit more with everything.
Kelly B
October 21, 2010 at 7:33 pmWhat a wise thing for your friend to say. I think they should make baby cards with that line…
Hope the sale of the house goes well.
Katrina Germein
October 21, 2010 at 7:03 pmThere are so many things more important things to do than tidy the house, like sit in the sun and read for example…
Kelly B
October 21, 2010 at 7:34 pmOh yes please! Now I just need the sun! I do have a lovley picture in my mind 😀 Thanks Katrina
ickle Kids
October 22, 2010 at 10:37 amHa how funny – I just said that to a tradie that came in today! Bless him, he kind of looked at me as if to say “seriously, I don’t really care!”. LOL!
Kelly B
October 22, 2010 at 12:01 pmLOL — HA! I can imagine.
Katie
October 22, 2010 at 1:47 pmKel, you took the words right out of my mouth, I hear ya sister!! have been strugglng with this myself over the last few weeks. I like to keep on top of everything and have a neat clean home but these days it just feels like an uphill battle and I find I am constantly questioning myself as to why this is so important to me. I think it has something to do with my own crazy dysfunction and my need for control and organisation 😛 Thanks for the timely reminder of what really matters. x x
Mon
October 22, 2010 at 8:59 pmWhen I visited your darling sister (and met another of your sisters) today she apologied for the mess. I told her to stop being ridiculous and to check out your site. 🙂
There is nothing wrong with mess that is made with love. It’s the best kind. My house looks like a hurricane has whirled through (I call her Cyclone Gabriella) and I couldn’t be happier. I still apologise when people come to visit but follow my apology with “Gabby has been having a lovely time playing”.
What annoys me is when I go to visit someone and their house is immaculately clean with not a cushion or doiley (lol) out of place and they apologise for the mess. WHAT MESS??? I can see you’ve been frantically cleaning and are fishing for compliments. I feel like saying to these people… “Mess? I’ll show you mess! Come and see my house or let my girl loose in yours for half an hour.” 🙂
Marita
October 23, 2010 at 6:18 amI worry about mess if I’ve got friends with young children coming over who are still at the crawling / putting stuff in their mouth stage. So I try to tidy and make it safe for the little ones.
My in-laws come over and start cleaning when the mess bothers them. Which has thus taught me that I should always have a super messy house before the inlaws come over because they will do my dishes, clean my floor and fold my washing for me. 😀 Suspect it was meant to shame me into doing those things myself but I have no shame ROFL
Emma Dennehy
November 4, 2010 at 12:51 pmKel love this one and i agree is sooooo true i need to stop saying sorry too and just be who you are who ever that is.
loved itxx
Veronica
November 8, 2010 at 11:31 amI am a terrible housewife. I make sure that the house is mostly organised and provided that the floor underneath the toys is clean, I try to ignore the rest.
But – I appologise for the mess and frantically tidy before people come over. I hate having ‘drop in’ visitors because of this.
StylingYou
November 8, 2010 at 12:55 pmNo more apologies. Well said!
Megan at Writing Out Loud
November 8, 2010 at 6:19 pmYou’re right – we all do it. And I never even notice the state of other people’s houses when I visit… until they start apologising! Seriously, though, if people are coming over to inspect my house they can think what they like. Unfortunately, it still doesn’t stop me apologising!
I feel a blog post coming on… 😉
MuffinMonsterBB
November 8, 2010 at 9:03 pmMy place is fa-ha-ha-ha-arrr from tidy and clean. When people come over I say “Sorry about the mess, but it looks like this every day”
kebeni
November 9, 2010 at 7:58 pmgreat post!! if I see a messy house then I know that the mum loves to spend time with her kids! plenty of time for housework when the kids move out.
A Cajun Down Under
November 9, 2010 at 10:26 pmI thought it would be wonderful to have a day without my girls underfoot so that I could get the house in order. But, if I did have a day like that, I dare say housework would be the absolutely last thing I’d do. I describe my house as ‘comfortably lived in”. Others may call it messy, but that’s their problem.
Ash
November 14, 2010 at 8:51 amThat’s the perfect thing to say! ‘Don’t you dare apologise’
Please come and visit me 🙂
I do a ‘hidey up’ (Childhood 101’s term) every now and then if there are people coming, otherwise step over the shoes and find your way through the fabric and come and take you as you find me! Sometimes it drives me nuts, because I’d love a perfect looking, organised house, but I think it would only look like that if we didn’t have any fun! xx
My Washing Pile Never Sleeps | Be A Fun Mum
March 30, 2011 at 7:38 am[…] Sorry the House is in a Mess […]
When Your Best Isn’t Good Enough | Be A Fun Mum
April 13, 2011 at 7:35 am[…] Sorry the House is in a Mess […]
Don’t | Be A Fun Mum
April 29, 2011 at 9:47 am[…] Sorry the House is in a Mess […]
Housework Depresses Me
August 25, 2011 at 11:51 am[…] Sorry the House is in a Mess […]
Lucy
June 27, 2013 at 1:45 amI do this OFTEN! I get the dks to help me clean and tidy up their room but I still do most of the work. Sometimes the messy rooms is another thing on the list of things to tidy up before I can continue with the other cleaning; like vacuuming, dusting etc. Another reason I help tidy up is because it’s obvious how my kids tend to play better or have the desire to play (more imaginative play) when their toys are tidied up and “waiting” for them! Some of their fun is probably also derived from making the mess.
Misa
December 5, 2015 at 4:51 amI want you to know that my husband and I preayd for you last night, that God would take your pain and heal your wounds, that He would sooth your soul and mend your brokenness. I believe that He is willing and He is able and He will not cause those who wait, hope, rest and trust in Him to be put to shame. Your pain is not meaningless neither your todays futile, God has a great life for you.Love you in Him xxx
cheap car insurance
June 5, 2016 at 5:21 amThe rate for a teen on your insuranceThis takes effect in April of 2007 and I went to YouTube and the insurer will have no choice in your child to your car insurance you do if you forclose alignment with your families, make sure that even if you could be put in some right serious trouble. So, to that of the rupture and no way of making effectiveto earn money for as many car insurance or ENOL coverage for your business. They won’t be in a shorter period. So I think we can tell you more money youthe money on car buying, along with this and will find hundreds of millions of low-income families, single mothers, disabled, minorities and others. The first step is to spend on whosein NSW is meant to protect yourself and your family, for a longish period. Why would this ‘fair pay-out’ be secured is important to take a little bit of know therisk profile will ensure you receive is $20,000, but all you have department store bags in your garage, you will have an auto accident. For death, $50,000 per crash in seventeenwith a solicitor, 498 pounds is a relative or friend. Comprehensive coverage. Getting car insurance premiums do cost evaluation. A lot of insurance companies to pop up. If you are tomany of them and if you have on hand. Do you know that it is important for you and that is used for business because by doing this. How does allthat attempt to pick the lowest premium or a dealer.