Terrible Mother Moments (TMM): I’ve had quite a few of them in my parenting career and I expect to have many more. I’ll the share two on my mind.
Terrible Mother Moment 1
I put an egg in my daughter’s lunch box. It was in the “boiled” part of the fridge but when she came to peel the egg, it wasn’t boiled. As it was the first thing she took from her lunch box, it went EVERYWHERE, all over EVERYTHING and she didn’t have anything to eat all day. Poor, poor baby. So sorry honey.
Terrible Mother Moment 2
I was late to a Mother’s Day event at my daughter’s school because I forgot. When I eventually got there, my daughter was crying because I wasn’t there. All the mothers were sitting down at a beautifully set table and, as I sat down with them, I almost burst into tears. My daughter ran to serve me and I forced myself to eat, even though I felt like vomiting. I felt TERRIBLE that I had let my daughter down. Afterwards, I cried and felt like the worst mother on the planet. I heard some bad news and I admit it clouded my thinking so I forgot the appointment with my daughter. My heart broke for you sweetie.
Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with feeling that I’m a “bad” mother. This leaves me three choice. I can:
1. beat myself up about it;
2. make excuses; or
3. accept the mistakes and grow, as a person and as a mother.
My own mother encouraged me to be a number 3 girl and I’ve taken this approach to my parenting too. The “learn and grow” concept is great; however, in reality, emotions need to be processed and hurt has to to heal.
This is what helps me:
Talk
Talking about my TMM makes me feel better; feedback gives me ideas on how to change and grow; and verbalising allows me to confront my mistakes: “Yep, I stuffed up.”
I talked about the egg episode and friends offered me wonderful advice. I now draw faces on hard boiled eggs with a special message on the back. If I hadn’t talked about it, chances are I wouldn’t have done the fun egg-faces thingy. What a shame! Now I have something good to remember about the incident.
Remember
I sat on the floor at a friend’s place, feeling overwhelmed. She asked me to think about some of the triumphs or Proud Mother Moments (PMM) as I call them. Two such moments can be found here and here. When Terrible Mother Moments happen they can seem VERY big. However, in the scheme of things, it’s just a small missed stitch in the tapestry and can often be mended. I believe it’s the repeated wilful not-talked-about mistakes that tear holes in the masterpiece. To avoid this, reconciliation must be a priority.
Reconcile
Saying the word “Sorry” isn’t enough. I think a true reconciliation includes an intent to change; to make things right. That’s what I tell my kids {practice what you preach Kelly}. I find my children to be immensely forgiving of my stuff ups and there is no lasting resentment (so far). I believe one key is the choice to learn from mistakes.
Learn
I’m not organised when it comes to writing events in my calendar. I rely very much on my mental ability to remember things {how stupid}. This is something I need to change and be more disciplined about so I’ve been working hard to find a system that works for me {still learning this one}. I was disappointed at myself for letting my daughter down at the Mother’s Day event because I knew it was something I could have avoided if I was more organised. Live and learn. Live and learn.
I don’t think Terrible Mother Moments break a mother-child relathionship. Rather it’s allowing resentment to breed which grows into bitterness. Terrible Mother Moment happen so I:
I’m glad to say through all my Terrible Mother Moments, my children still love me and like to be with me. That has to count for something.
24 Comments
Kristie
December 2, 2010 at 1:41 pmSo very true, and so obvious when you read it like that.
None of us want to cause our children heartbreak, but sometimes it happens, whether we are busy, or through no fault of our own, we need to cope with those moments, and learn from them.
Don’t forget it can be a valuable lesson for our children, since the world is not all peachy roses, they also need to learn how to deal with disappointment, and how you react to it, will teach them how to feel about it.
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
December 2, 2010 at 8:04 pmYes Kristie — so true. Thank you for bringing that out. I needed that perspective. x
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Nicole Grant
December 2, 2010 at 2:07 pmSome great advice there Kelly, and perfect stories to convey a valuable message. I just experienced a TMM when I stopped to read this post, and discovered my toddler eating glue while I was distracted! Yesterday I was very late to pick up my children from child care and spent my time in the heavy traffic regretting returning to study, because I had been at a conference on the other side of town, and then got stuck in traffic because of the rain. I felt the choice I made 6 months ago, led to my children possibly feeling abandoned that day. I am sure they aren’t affected by the event, but it’s hard not to feel awful. I have learned so much from your blog Kelly. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us xxoo
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
December 2, 2010 at 8:36 pmlol — had to laugh about the glue… has happend to me so many times.
Sorry you were feeling awful Nic. Know the feeling well. I know too, that sometimes it takes a while to work things out: changes, new schedules etc… Oh struth, I’m moving again soon :S
Thanks for supporting me Nic… and your contributions. xx
Nicole Grant
December 2, 2010 at 8:43 pm@Kelly Be A Fun Mum, You’re very welcome 🙂 P.S I laughed at the glue incident too!
Casey
December 2, 2010 at 3:07 pmHi Kelly,
As always, a great post. Thank you. I understand your heartache at letting your children down, I would especially like to comment on the day the egg broke 😉
It is moments like these that later in life will allow your children to bind and laugh at some of the crazier sillier things their mother did as a parent. We have a few in our house, when we get together for family dinners (very regularly) My brothers and I love to rib my parents about some of those moments. They make us laugh uncontrolably now, despite the tears that were shed momentarily at the time. Believe me, the memory of not having lunch that day will fade but the ridiculousness of Mum putting a raw egg into the lunchbox and being cracked open at school will be one of those ‘funny’ stories that is told with love and humour long after you are gone. xoxoxoxo
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
December 2, 2010 at 8:38 pmCasey, I love your response so much. In fact I laughed! It’s so true that these — ah — colourful events can make life richer. And I can sooo see us laughing about it in the future. You’ve given me both a laugh and a glimce of happiness for the future. Thank you sweet lady! xo
Naomi
December 2, 2010 at 3:51 pmI have a huge collection myself of these moments – like the time I cut off the end of my 3 month old daughters finger when I was trying to cut her finger nails (feel a little better about the egg experience???) and I cried and cried for days!!! I love how you have turned it around and are also focusing on proud mummy moments too 🙂 great post Kelly ~ so nice to know we are not alone in our mothering challenges. Naomi x
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
December 2, 2010 at 8:42 pmI admit it: I’ve done the same thing Naomi. Cut my baby’s finger by accident. I sobbed. In fact, I rarely cut their nails now… I always get hubby to do it. lol.
Thank you for sharing. It’s nice not to feel alone in my failings…
You’re in good company Naomi. xxoo
Ella
December 2, 2010 at 10:59 pmSo glad im not the only one out there that has cut my babies finger. We (my partner) and i were attempting to cut our 1 week old sons nails with those teeny tiny nail clippers. I sliced his finger – it was awful. He cried and cried and so did i. I ended up buying those safety scissors which were heaps better.
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
December 3, 2010 at 11:30 amYeah, I think my daughter was a few weeks old when it happened to me too. It was only a little cut but it bleed heaps :'(
Michelle
December 2, 2010 at 9:00 pmGreat Post Kelly.
I forgot so many important events while my kids were at school (one of the reasons I now homeschool)
It’s good to apologise to kids – they learn how to apologise.
It’s good not to be perfect and admit it – they learn that they don’t need to be perfect.
It’s good to learn from mistakes – it shows our kids how to learn and move on.
xoxo
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
December 3, 2010 at 11:32 amI truly find it hard to keep up with school… and next year I have 3 at school! Eeeek! As for the rest of your comment: perfect!
Renee
December 2, 2010 at 9:43 pmI don’t get time to read all your posts with such a crazy life lately…but boy am i glad when i do! thanks yet again xx
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
December 3, 2010 at 11:33 amxx
Gaye
December 2, 2010 at 10:06 pmMust be the day for toddlers eating glue!
Great post – I’ll type out your “Talk, Remember, Reconcile & Learn” – After a TMM, I have the habit of profusely saying sorry & feeling awful for days about it – which teaches the children an incorrect strategy in dealing with consequences when things do go wrong.
Thanks 🙂
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
December 3, 2010 at 11:38 amSo right Gaye. Doing penance and being motivated by guilt is never a good way. I fall into that trap too sometimes…
Matthew Burstow
December 3, 2010 at 11:50 amLove your post hon…I think you are a WM! Blu x
Kelly Be A Fun Mum
December 3, 2010 at 11:56 amThanks Blu! The Man who taught me the value of TLA’s (Three Letter Appreviations) xx
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