Family Resilience: Rebuilding After a Family Crisis

I had a dream.  I was in a car. My Dad was driving the white Toyota Landcruiser with two doors that opened at the rear. I was in the back with my children.  We were trying to get away from the water. The brown water began to swirl around the car. There was a strange shift in movement. No longer forward. But sideways. Sideways. The car moved sideways towards the gap in the road side rail. Falling. Falling.  We were going to go under. I knew it. My mind was racing.  I opened the two doors at the rear of the car in preparation to exit with my children. I opened the doors. An encircling force sucked me out of the car and for a moment, I didn’t know where I was.  Then, with indescribable horror, I watched the car, with my Dad and kids inside, plummet into the angry water abyss. Where were my babies? I dived desperately. But they were gone. My children were gone, under the water. Gone. Then I woke up.

I woke up.  And I was relieved to find it was only a dream and my children were  asleep in their beds. Processing the last month and the affects of many changes on my family has been a slow but steady process. Just last weekend, I was back in Toowoomba staying with my sister and my daughter (5) begged to go home. “I want to go back to our new house Mum. Or it will be flooded. Flooded.” Poor sweetie.  This will pass. Yes.Yes it will.

The fact is, our family is quite fragile at the moment.  The kids have been bickering, it seems, at every moment.  I cry, most days. And throw in the fact that my husband is away and you have one dysfunctional family.

It’s been an extreme month, true. However, to varying degrees,  most families go through dips like this at some point. Maybe the kids have been sick for a period or there have been many changes in the family unit. Perhaps a loved one has died or the family is struggling financially.  There are times when families need to regroup and rebuild. I believe, if this isn’t done, cracks can start to form in a once strong foundation. So, our family has been settling, regrouping and repairing.  And it’s working.  Here are some of the steps we’ve taken to get to this point.

Have a family meeting

We often have family meetings in the car. Why? Because we are all in one place and the kids can’t move (hooray for seat belts). Here are some of the issues we talked about:

1. Emotions: We asked how the children felt about the flooding and all the changes in our family. For example, starting a new school and making friends.

2. Reality: We talked many changes and challenges we faced and how this has caused strain on our family unit.  My husband and I used the example of my Dad’s shed to talk about this topic.

I think it’s important, in this sort of situation, to  focus on the external factors that led to the stresses placed on our family rather than focusing on the children’s individual behaviours.  Our family has been through many changes in a short period of time and, like the water through the shed, this has left a mark on our family. That’s the reality. But the good news is our foundations are strong, built on faith, and we all love each other.  Everything else can be repaired and I’m glad to say the rebuilding is coming along nicely.

3. Future: We discussed where we’d like to be as a family and how we were going to get there.

4. Recovery: We established the trust between the children and us, as parents. My husband and I made this distinction so the hard work of recovery could be led by us, knowing it wasn’t going to be an easy process.

I am Mum

Our family is very much a team and I love the children to have  input into how we do things. That’s all well and good when things are steady but right now, I am running this recovery effort and I’m calling the shots.  My husband has been away for 3 weeks (coming home for just 1 weekend) so I’m it.  I’m confident I know what is best for my family and for this short time we’re rebuilding,  I am Mum so don’t mess with me. {Glad I got that off my chest}.

Establish a routine

I’ve learned from experience, the value of routine when things are unstable (read the post: When’s Daddy coming home?).  This includes daily chores for the children, regular daily exercise and familiar places.  There’s a sense of security in knowing what comes next, especially when things are stressful at home. If you know me, and my blog, you’ll know I love things to be relaxed, fun and spontaneous; however when the family unit is a bit wobbly, routine becomes the backbone of finding stability.

Decide what matters

It’s very much been survival for the last month and I’ve been far from consistent and clear in my parenting during this time. Now I’m feeling a little better, I’ve had a careful think about what behaviours I expect from the children and am sure to follow through.  I found this post  helpful: 5 Ways to Regain Lost Ground with a Young Child.

Put some good times under your belt

In the week I wrote this struggling post, there was very little positive interaction between myself and the children. Like maybe none. It was awful. On the weekend, when my husband flew home from Canberra, we decided to do something our family enjoyed: swimming at the beach.  It wasn’t all hunky-dory but we did manage to have a nice time. After a month of unrest, it was nice to put some “good times” under our belt. And we continue to do so in small, manageable doses.

I’m exhausted but I see the fruit of my labour (thank you God for wisdom).  The children are once again, able to play happily together  and I’m able to enjoy the little moments like seeing my son laugh.

Queensland Floods Series

Why Is There So Much Rain In Brisbane

Queensland Floods: One Family’s Story

Struggling

External Links

After Crisis Comes Growth: Family Resilience and Rebuilding Trust

Dealing with tragedy and trauma