Disappointed in Myself

“How are you Kell?” I felt relieved hearing my sister’s voice on the phone. It had probably only been a week since we last talked but it felt like an age.

“I’m okay.” I said automatically. Then I reminded myself that it was my sister I was talking to: “Actually, I’m not really okay at the moment.”

She laughed. That laugh. My sister has the most infectious laugh you will ever hear. I couldn’t help but smile into the phone.

“I know exactly what you mean. We are okay, but not okay. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know. Just everything. A million breakups to attend with the kids. Matt working a lot: away last weekend; away for Scottie’s birthday; away for our anniversary; away for the end of year concert.  Totally over that at the moment.  And I often over commit myself.”

I rambled on. “I’m just not managing very well this week. I feel like I should manage, but I’ve been struggling this past couple of weeks, and I’m annoyed at myself. You know the drill.”

“I do Kell. I know it well.”

I love it how she didn’t “you’re a great mum” me because that’s not what I needed to hear. I love it how she didn’t tell me I needed a break, or to take it easy. What does that mean? How do you take it easy when you’re a mum and have four people constantly relying on you? I love it how she didn’t accuse me of “doing too much” because it’s not doing a lot that is the problem — that’s family life — it’s the chain of events over the last couple of weeks that’s the problem.  I love it that she didn’t say, “You’re too hard on yourself.” I am hard on myself. It’s part of who I am. I know that. And she knows that I know that. I love that she didn’t tell me to be thankful because others are worse off. I know how blessed I am, but I’m totally human too. Instead, she gave me understanding. Empathy: it’s enough. So often — compassion — it’s enough.

I’m very open here on my blog — about my life, about my feelings — but even so, there are many things people don’t know about me or my life. Even the people who do know me personally, don’t know me very well or the challenges I’ve faced. I’m a very open person but I’m hard to know well.  That doesn’t quite make sense, does it? So be it.

What is the point of this post? There is so much meaningful stuff I want to say here. I see a bend in the road was one of the posts I wanted to write.  There are many such posts in draft that I haven’t been able to write…yet.  I’m actually not disappointed in myself about that.  No. That will wait. It will come.

I’m disappointed because I so often lose sight of the important things. I’m disappointed because I miss my kids, yet the usual parenting pressures like home work, forms and end of year parties seem to make it more difficult for me to be with my kids in the way they need. The way I need. It’s like the outward pressures attack the family unit rather than support it.  It’s rushing here, and there. It’s stressing about what to bring, what to wear, what to do. Others around me appear to do it all effortlessly.

Do you ever feel like all of a sudden your world has gone totally crazy? Like you’re trapped in a series of external events that drive your world? It’s in times like these that I dearly want to live a quiet life somewhere on a mountain. We as a society, have made modern life so complicated. Does it have to be so?

I long to write the stuff that is on my heart, but instead, this week on the blog, I’m doing craft, and I don’t always like craft, but I find creating easy.  You may like to tune out if you like. Craft, I don’t have to think about. Words, I do. I long to write the words I want to speak, but they are silent right now, and so too must I be.

One thing I know right now: I love my sisters.

Another thing I know: I’m not okay right now, but I will be. I’ll be totally fine. Not sure anyone will still be reading this far down, but thanks for listening.