Family Dynamics: It’s like the Zipper

There’s change in the air. There is always change when it comes to family dynamics now that I think about it. It’s one of the challenges of parenting: just when you think you have it right, something changes. There are new stages, new behaviours to confront, adult issues like work and financial pressures, emotions, relationships and personalities, all thrown into a mix of ever changing variables.

Family dynamics  remind me of the Zipper ride at the EKKA (the annual Brisbane show). This infamous ride consists of individual cages that spin on a wheel that also spins. There’s a lot spinning involved. The Zipper happens to be one of my favourite rides so I know. There is rocking, half spins, single spins and then…there’s the spin-spin: a spin within a spin.

I feel our family is coming out of a spin-spin right now.  One of the consequences of this is my kids have been bickering more than usual over this school holidays and driving me nuts. They are a little older and I sense our family dynamics are about to launch into a new phase. There are good things about this but the transition is always challenging.

Below are seven ways our family deals with changes in our family unit.

1. Learning

I learn more about parenting my kids, from my kids, rather than from outward parenting guides. For me, parenting this way means I can do it in a way that is unique to my own family and can account for all the Zipper-like variables. It’s all about finding creative ways to solve challenges.

2. Play

I have three girls, and then a boy. I noticed very early on, differences between the genders but I’m not one to designate particular play in relation to the sex of my children as they are all individuals and play differently anyway (that is: my son will play with dolls and my girls with trucks).  However, I do notice a distinct difference between, not so much what they play with but how they play. My son uses toys in a very different way to my girls so here’s a very common scenario at our place:

“MUM! MUM! Son wrecked my game!” from Miss 6.

“Mum! The girls won’t let me play!” from son (4).

I can see it from both sides. Son does often wreck the girl’s play  (which is annoying for them) but he desperately wants to play with them (and I can understand that he wants to be included). It’s taken me a while to work this one through.  One of the ways I do this is observing my children and taking notice of which types of play work, and why.

The children play together, individually, in pairs, in threes and all together. I think it’s all great!  When it comes to encouraging play between all four of my children aged from 10 to 4 (which I believe is especially wonderful), parallel play is working at the moment, especially for my son.

An example

We’ve enjoyed imaginative play scenes this school holidays.  What usually happens is my 10 year old will contribute her wonderful creative ideas to the set up and we create two play areas next to each other, one for my two other daughters (8 and 6), and one for my son (4). It’s fascinating to watch their play come together.

{I made a smaller version of our Desert Island Play Scene for son}

This magical outdoor play space (below) is a perfect example of this. My son created a road with the bricks from our rock garden and the girls played with the fairy home. As I watched them play, it came together beautifully: my son built the road, added cars to the play and then interacted with his sisters in a positive way; the girls responded and the play meshed. It’s so good when it works like this!

Play is gold for many reasons but one is that it helps me to see where the kids are at and how we can function better as a family.

3. Expectation

I don’t hope my children will love and care for each other, I expect it because I believe in the power and value of family.  This simple mindset ensures I have a goal when it comes to interactions between the children, and I can capitalise on (but not force) opportunities that arise as we live life. I hope to both teach and encourage the children, plus allow them to work out things for themselves. It’s another example of being anchored by the big picture and living in the moments.

4. Foundation

In my “I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions” post, I listed down some of the big picture values that act as foundations for our family.  This is really important to me: that we continue to build on a strong base because it provides stability, even when life is all over the place.

5. Family Re-Group

We have a many, many family re-group sessions. Many of these happen in the car and at the family dinner table because we are all in the one place. It’s a place to talk about issues, reinforce our family values and an opportunity for the children have input.

6. Good times

When things are rough, or there are a many challenges in family life (like in the aftermath of the Queensland Floods), we find it helps to stop and facilitate an activity we enjoy as a family. It’s a way to fill the store of good times under our family belt.

7. Embrace & Discover

I’ve come to accept that harnessing family dynamics is like anticipating the movements in a Zipper Ride.  For me, it’s all about protecting our foundation (including my marriage), growing and changing to discover how the mechanics work best, then embracing the variables and going along for the ride.

How do you manage the many changes in family dynamics?

Other Relevant Posts

Do Boys and Girls Play Differently?

Parenting Siblings: Is it fair?

Siblings: Friends for Life

Family Life Stages: A Window in Family Life